The Promises Fell Through: When Family and Friends Said They Would Help and Did Not

By: Grant Kirsh

“My mom said she would watch the baby while I worked. My sister said I could stay with her. My friends said they would be there for me. The baby’s father said he would step up. And now that the baby is here, every single one of them is gone.”

We hear a version of this story almost every week at Kirsh & Kirsh, P.C. If it is your story too, this post is for you. We are a family-run Indiana adoption law firm with nearly 50 years of experience, and over 110 years of combined legal experience handling adoptions, and we want to talk honestly about broken promises, and about what your options are now.

You Were Given False Hope. That Is Not Your Fault.

During your pregnancy, choosing to parent probably felt possible because of the support people promised you. That was a reasonable decision based on what you were told. You did not fail. The people around you failed to keep their word.

We share this advice with expectant mothers all the time, and it applies just as much now: the best indicator of future behavior is past behavior. If the people in your life have always shown up for you, they probably will again. If they have a history of letting you down, their promises were probably never going to hold. Many mothers were simply never given a fair picture of what parenting alone would look like.

What You Can Do Now

You have real options, and none of them involve suffering alone.

First, take an honest look at whether any support is real. Is there anyone in your life whose help has actually shown up, not just been promised? If real support exists, parenting may still work, and we will respect that completely.

Second, know that adoption is still open to you. This surprises many mothers who think the window closed at the hospital. It did not. This is a trend we are seeing all across Indiana, and we have completed many of these placements in the last six months alone. In the past this was considered a hard thing to do, but there are things we can do to make it easier, and we know how to do it the right way. You would choose the family yourself from our more than 100 carefully screened waiting families. You would decide the level of ongoing contact, and all of our families commit to letters and photos for at least 18 years at minimum. Our services are 100% free to you.

Time is of the essence, though. The sooner you reach out, the more we can do. Please do not wait months while things get harder at home.

Third, call us either way. Even if you are not sure what you want, a conversation costs nothing and commits you to nothing. We answer 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year. Sometimes just talking to someone who understands, at 3 in the morning when the baby finally fell asleep, is the first step.

What About the Father?

If the baby’s father made promises and vanished, you should know that a biological father does not have automatic full parental rights in Indiana unless you are married to him, or were married or engaged to him within 300 days of the birth. A DNA test alone does not establish paternity. His legal position depends on the steps he has actually taken, not the things he said. When you call, we will walk through his situation with you, because it is the most important legal question in a placement after birth.

There Is No Shame in Any of This

Choosing adoption now, after trying to parent, is not giving up. It may be the most clear-eyed, loving decision you ever make, made with information you did not have before: proof of what your support system really looks like. Whether you are in Indianapolis, Fort Wayne, Evansville, South Bend, Carmel, Fishers, Bloomington, Hammond, Gary, Muncie, Lafayette, Terre Haute, Kokomo, Anderson, or Greenwood, we are here with zero judgment.

Call or text us at 800-333-5736. Visit us at IndianaAdoption.com. Everything is free and confidential.

For a complete overview of your options, read our guide: Your Options With an Unplanned Pregnancy in Indiana.

About the Author
Grant Kirsh is a second-generation adoption attorney and owner of Kirsh & Kirsh, P.C., a family law firm in Indianapolis, Indiana that has been serving Indiana families since 1981. Grant graduated from Indiana University McKinney School of Law in 2013 and has personally handled nearly 3,000 foster care adoptions and his law firm has handled over 5,000 private newborn adoptions. He practices all forms of domestic adoption, with a deep personal commitment to expectant mothers considering adoption in Indiana and Indiana’s foster care system and the families and children it serves.